The Path to Purpose

I’ve had some events happen that have been weighing on me so I wanted to write a post to get a discussion going.

If you’ve read any of this blog, you will know that I have diagnosed mental illnesses – Bipolar disorder, Borderline Personality disorder, Generalized Anxiety disorder and a specific phobia. I’ve had these conditions for many years and am using several methods to help treat them.

Due to my many conditions and their severity, part of my treatment is a regimen of several medications. Over the years the type of drugs, dosages, and combinations have been changed more times than I can count. In fact, my doctor is still tweaking all these years later. This happens for several reasons but isn’t the point of my post, so I won’t discuss it here.

For these meds, I had been using a particular pharmacy near my home for years. They knew me when I came in and the assistants were always very friendly and helpful. Over the years, minor inconveniences happened. For example, they knew that I took a certain medication and filled it every month yet they never had it in stock when I was due for a refill, and the pharmacy owner changed a few times while I was a client there. But overall, I was happy with their service.

That is, I was happy. One day a few months ago, I went to the pharmacy to fill a prescription as I only had a few pills left at home. The assistant told me that I wasn’t due for a refill and when I explained to her that I only had a few pills left, she did her job and spoke with the pharmacist.

Instead of coming over to assist me, the pharmacist yelled over the counter at me, letting the entire store hear my business. Instead of admitting that they potentially made a mistake and gave me only a portion of my prescription (which they were known to have done), she accused me of abusing my medications. I was completely infuriated and embarrassed. She first asked if I may have made a mistake, I said that I had not because the pills were different colours so I kept track of what I took. She then kept proceeding with her questioning until she got to lashing accusations at me, including calling me a drug abuser.

I immediately left the pharmacy in tears and started looking for a new pharmacy. I couldn’t believe that someone would yell this at me across the pharmacy. It was extremely unprofessional and I was appalled at being accused and called an abuser when I had never once had an issue with taking proper dosages and I know I am very careful of my medications. Because of one error on their part, I was publicly humiliated. I will say that I am aware that it is possible for individuals to mess up their medications as much as it is possible for pharmacies to mess up dosages, but the fact that they went straight to abuse was insulting.

From there, I decided on a small pharmacy that came recommended by a friend of the family. I knew one of the pharmacy assistants and everyone I came in contact with was pleasant, so it started off well.

Gradually, the new pharmacy let things slip. They would fill my prescriptions and not be able to find them behind the counter. They would lose faxes from my doctors office (and admit they lost them). They would switch the dosage of the pills they had given me so I needed to take a different number of pills and forget to tell me, so I’d find out when the pills looked different and I specifically read the labels.

Because of these small issues, I made it a habit of reading the labels every time. In case you aren’t aware, many psychiatric medications are very dangerous. There is the possibility for bad side effects, withdrawal, addiction, and even overdose if the wrong amounts are taken.

One day I got home with my medications and was about to take my night-time dosage when I was reading the label of a newly filled prescription. The pharmacy had incorrectly done addition to make up a dosage on the label, making the total dosage incorrect. Had I not read the label and checked the pills, I could very easily have overdosed. It wouldn’t have been enough to kill me, but it would have been enough that I would have experienced side effects including no sleep (which is related to a manic episode in those with bipolar disorder), a horrible next day with shakes, stomach aches, and blurred vision, brain zaps, and more, due to the change in dosage.

The moral of this story is to be vigilant when checking and taking your medications. I lodged a complaint with the first pharmacy but nobody was held accountable because it was the pharmacy owner who accused me. My next move is going to be contacting the college of pharmacists to report the ineptitude of pharmacists in my area.

I am well aware that people make mistakes. I am also aware that I take many medications every day, so it is a lot for them to keep track of. But pharmacists need to be held accountable because people can die if they continue to make these serious mistakes. Luckily I have been able to stay on top of this but when I get into an episode it is much easier to make a mistake so I rely on them to be accurate and make it easier for me to take my medications properly.

What do you think? Should pharmacists be held accountable? How can we attack this problem to ensure that people don’t suffer consequences from wrong medications and/or dosages. Let’s open the dialogue!

*This is not meant to be medical advice or replace advice from medical professionals. I am simply sharing a coping strategy that I have adopted*

A coping box is a tool that a person can add to their mental health toolbox. It is literally a box of things that can help you to cope in a distressing situation. If you can, keep your box somewhere that you will see it frequently so that it comes to your mind when you might need it. I also find it helpful to periodically take out the box when you are in a stable mood – you will remind yourself about the tools that you have, you can add to it, play around with the items a little, and it will be more salient to your mind when you are in need of it the most.

Above is a photo of my coping box. I bought mine (a plain white photo box) at a craft store but any box will do.

I chose the following items to put into my coping box because I thought that they would benefit me personally.

• A notebook and pen to write with. I chose a bright yellow, sunny coloured notebook that I had at home. I got this one in a pack from Walmart, but you can also find them at the dollar store, or even on Amazon.
• A few colouring pages that I printed off from the internet. Colouring is soothing to many people, myself included so I thought that these would make a nice addition
• Some Play-doh. This is included to help keep my hands busy in case I have any thoughts of unhealthy coping strategies
• A squishy ball is another way to keep my hands busy if the Play- doh doesn’t work
• Some calming essential oils. I chose a lavender and roman chamomile because they work for me personally but there are many to choose from
• A tea bag. I’m a big tea drinker and chose a blend that I find calming. Many people find chamomile works for this purpose so consider that for your box
• A jar of bubbles. These are included to help slow my breathing in cases when I start to hyperventilate. I bought mine at the dollar store.
• Finally, I used a soft covered photo book and filled it with inspirational quotes, funny memes, pictures of loved ones, and pictures of the ocean (which I find to be very comforting)

These things may or may not work for you. There are other items that can be included in a coping box, depending on your own personality and needs. But have fun and choose items that will work best for you and your needs!

*This post contains affiliate links. If you order from my link it will not cost you anything extra but I will get a small commission*

My therapist has been telling me for years that I need to make a regular practice of exercising in order to help myself feel better. I always said yeah, yeah, I’ll do it, but I was so busy with life and feeling so horribly mentally that this felt like an insurmountable task.

Researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky also talks about this in her book The How of Happiness, which I recently finished reading. In one study, participants with depression were put into groups and the studies have found that exercise works better than medication at relieving depressive symptoms! Now, don’t stop taking your medication, but this is a huge finding!

When you aren’t feeling well mentally, whether that be a depressive low or a manic high or even a ball of anxiety, the last thing that you might feel like doing is starting a regular exercise program.

I know that for myself, when I feel depressed, just getting out of bed feels like it will take all of the energy that I have. Showers become few and far between. Meals become irregular and unbalanced. Housework goes untouched. And responsibilities can be left undone (see this post about depression for more about my experiences).

Similarly, when I’m experiencing high levels of anxiety or having a panic attack, surviving is where my priorities lie. Look for a future post about how anxiety affects me personally.

All this is to say that I finally decided to take my therapist’s words seriously and give this exercise thing a try. I had a really bad week, mentally, last week. I was full of anxiety, I had days of depression and days of hypomania – I was rapidly cycling through moods.

One day, I was feeling particularly anxious so I hopped on to my mini rebounder (trampoline) that I used to use when I was a competitive dancer. I put on some music that made me feel like dancing (The Struts – my new favourite band). And I just started to jump! It was a good cardio workout and I could feel that my legs were a bit out of shape, but jumping felt good! I only did this for about 20 minutes. This is something that is totally sustainable for a lot of lifestyles, but you can start out small with even 5 minutes of exercise, every little bit will help.

My anxiety symptoms went way down immediately after this high intensity exercise. I was shocked. This worked better for me than taking a pill like Ativan or Valium.

Now, this feeling didn’t last all day. I had a few hours of feeling good before my symptoms started to return but that was a few hours I wouldn’t otherwise have been feeling good.

My degree in psychology has taught me to not take a one-time situation like this as conclusive proof. And I’m not trying to do an actual study with proper participants and variables, but I wanted to see if this was the real deal for me personally.

Over the next 10 days (up until today), I’ve been tracking my exercise and moods. I haven’t exercised every single day, as I probably wouldn’t if I was working full time and taking care of my daughter, but I exercised more days than I didn’t.

What I found is that I almost always felt better after a 20-30 minute cardio exercise routine than I did before working out. This is huge for me! One day I woke up feeling extremely irritable, which is a symptom I often deal with when I’m anxious. So I decided to exercise that morning, and the irritability went away.

I’m going to continue with this plan of exercising a minimum of 3 days a week and see how I’m feeling, but I have hop!

I’ll add a couple of caveats here. First, this is in no way intended to replace prescribed medication. This exercise plan is something that I’m doing in addition to taking my prescribed medications. Second, the episodes that I went through last week were pretty mild for me, so I don’t know that this would be as efficient if I were in a deep depression and had a hard time getting out of bed. Third, this may not work for everyone or every circumstance but it gives me hope and I wish that it will do the same for others.

Take care of yourselves!

I’ve put together a list of some simple self-care practices. Some of these I only use occasionally and some I use frequently. You can pick and choose what works best for you, or use this list as an inspiration for your own self-care routine.

Some examples of easy self-care:

• Brush your teeth
• Read a few pages of a funny, light, easy-to-read book (or if that’s not your thing, pick a book you will enjoy)
• Take a walk in nature, even for just 10 minutes
• Take a hot shower or bath
• Do a home manicure or pedicure
• Apply a face mask
• Engage in a hobby you enjoy, start with 10 minutes
• Cross something simple off of your to-do list
• Brush your hair
• Apply lotion to your hands
• Write a thank you note to someone you love
• Watch a funny movie
• Organize one drawer in one room of your house
• Draw or sketch something
• Write 3 things in a daily gratitude journal (you can buy one cheap on amazon, or use a journal from the dollar store)
• Colour a picture (you can find adult colouring books on amazon)
• Watch a sport that you enjoy
• If you’re struggling to get out of bed, just try moving to the sofa
• Do an internet search on something you would like to learn about
• Make a vision board – either with paper and glue, or on your computer
• Buy yourself a fancy coffee or other treat that you like
• Write in a journal
• Pet an animal – if you don’t have a pet, visit a friend who does
• Write a list of things that bring you pleasure (Tip: do this when you are feeling well so that you can refer back to it when you are having a difficult time)
• Go to a local greenhouse and browse beautiful plants

These are 25 of my best self-care tips. I like keeping a list of ideas nearby so that I can turn to it in times of need. It takes weeks to develop a habit but it’s never too late to begin and starting when you feel well will allow you to have tools to use when you are unwell.

All of this information is especially important when you are in the throes of a mental illness. It will be even more difficult to engage in self-care when you are unwell, which is why it’s important to start getting into the habit when you are healthy.

What do you think of when you hear the phrase “self-care”? It can mean something different to each individual person as not everyone has the same needs or interests. However, self-care is important for everyone, whether you have a mental illness diagnosis or not. Studies have shown the effectiveness of showing yourself the love and attention you deserve. Self-care is also something trending in the media right now, so people are aware of it, but there are still myths surrounding it. I hope to shed some light on my experience with these myths. 

The following information is not to be used as medical advice, as I am not a healthcare professional. I am simply writing from my own experiences. What has worked and been true to me, may not work for someone else.

There are many myths surrounding self-care that prevent many from partaking in it and these myths can come from various sources. I am going to focus on the four most common myths and what about them is untrue. 

To start off, some people think that self-care costs too much money.  Showing love to yourself does not need to be extravagant and cost a lot of money. Many times, people think of self-care as taking a day at the spa. This is time-consuming, expensive, and impractical. Caring for yourself can be something free that is done from your home, such as taking a hot bath. 

A second myth is that it takes too much time. Self-care doesn’t need to require an hour of private time a day, every day. It can be performed in small intervals a few times a week. Take a 10-minute walk somewhere in nature, three times a week.

Third, there are individuals who feel that it’s selfish to put themselves first. This is where the analogy of pouring from an empty cup comes in, or the one about putting on your own oxygen mask before that of your dependent. You need to take proper care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself. 

A final example of a myth surrounding self-care is that people feel that they don’t need it. Everyone needs to show themselves some care and love, no matter what their situation may be. Self-care is not just a way to prevent relapses of mental illness symptoms but is a way to maintain optimal mental health.

These four common myths may come from many sources – a person’s own ideas, things they have read, or even societal pressures. But the important thing is to debunk these myths and find a way to show ourselves love in whatever way we can. 

*This is not meant to be medical advice. I am not a licensed healthcare professional. I am sharing personal experiences with this mode of therapy and what worked for me. Tips that helped me may or may not work for someone else. 

*This post contains afflilate links. You can purchase items from my site and I will make a commission but you do not pay more for it

DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It was created by Marsha Linehan and is typically used to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. I have done this program twice and found it to be much more helpful the second time. If you have the option to repeat it, do it as many times as you need to. Where I live, there is a free program offered through the local hospital system, so it doesn’t cost anything to learn new skills or take the program multiple times. All you need is a referral from your doctor.  

Distress tolerance is the first section of the second DBT program that I did. By the last week of this section and I found myself feeling very overwhelmed. In the full DBT program, there are three main sections – Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation, and Interpersonal Relationships. A different skill is taught each and every week. This means 24 total skills over the course of the program! With only a week spent on each skill, I found that it is difficult to become proficient in any of them. I’ve also found that when it comes time to use a skill, I felt too overwhelmed by choices and didn’t have any of the skills committed to memory well enough to use. 

I know that I can’t be alone in feeling this way so I decided to write a post about DBT skills and how to overcome the overwhelm that you may feel during a program. 

Here is what I suggest to make the most out of a DBT program. 

Participate Fully

First of all, it is important to participate fully in your program. There are several ways to do this. Listen while you’re in a group, ask questions, pay attention to the experiences of other group members, take the time to do your homework each week, and practice the skills as many times as you can during the week. 

Practice when you are feeling well

A lot of these skills – especially mindfulness – can be practiced at any time, in any situation. So when you are feeling good, take the time to practice them! This will make it so much easier to be effective when you are actually experiencing a difficult time. 

Keep your manual close by

If you have your manual somewhere that you can see it, you are more likely to use it. When you are experiencing a difficult situation, you can easily open your manual and find a skill that will work for what you are going through. If your manual is hidden away, you may not think to use it.

Use Mindfulness Daily

This is repeating some of the points from the “practicing when you are well” section but I really want to stress its importance. Mindfulness is a big part of DBT as well as mental health in general and it can be used in numerous situations with any type of mental illness. In a future post, I will go more into detail about what constitutes mindfulness and the best ways to practice it, but for now, I’ll just say to practice it daily and it will become a habit for many life situations. 

Use additional resources

There are many resources that you can use to compliment your program. Some examples are: finding peer support, purchasing a workbook (like the DBT workbook from Amazon), individual therapy, and books on Borderline Personality Disorder (e.g., I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me). 

These are some of the tips that have helped me get through my programs without being too overwhelmed and finish DBT with some usable skills. Contact your doctor or local hospital to find out if there are any similar programs in your area. 

This is me. A normal mom in her early 30’s. I look just like anyone else, and sometimes I even have a smile on my face. You may not know it to look at me but I suffer from mental illnesses, including depression.

People often imagine a depressed person as someone who is sad all of the time. But there is much more to it than that. Everyone gets sad or has “the blues” from time to time, and that is completely normal. It is also normal to feel extreme sadness and show other symptoms like crying when in periods of grief. Clinical depression is different and is not normal sadness.

A brief example of the criteria for depression from The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual are depression most of the day, every day, reduced interest or pleasure in activities, changes in weight (gain or loss), feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, and thoughts of death or suicidal ideation. These are all clinical terms and can be very subjective. The terms are subjective and depend on honest reports from the patient about what they are feeling. But these criterion leave out so much of what a depressed individual’s life is actually like. Next, I’ll outline some of the lesser talked about symptoms from my own experience.

Exhaustion

First, not being able to get out of bed for days. Not for anything. Not to shower, not to eat, not to watch TV. Everything feels like a giant, exhausting struggle, and when you’re depressed, you don’t see what the point is in getting out of bed and engaging with life. This has obvious effects on weight, and personal hygiene, but when I am in a depression, I really don’t care about those things. I’m just trying to survive. The mental and physical exhaustion is overpowering.

Isolation

Isolation is a huge one for me personally. When I’m feeling a depression, I isolate myself from everyone and everything. No seeing family, no seeing friends, no social media. Being around people is exhausting. It is too difficult to put on a happy face and smile or act like my normal self. And I have no desire to engage in any social activity. I don’t feel like I’m worth it and nobody would want me there anyway.

Negative Emotions

Many other negative emotions come with feeling depressed. A couple of examples are guilt and shame. You feel guilty for not being able to keep up with commitments or being a good parent/friend/relative, etc. You feel ashamed for feeling the way you do and think that you should be able to “snap out of it”, which I believe comes from the stigma associated with mental illness.

Loss of Enjoyment

Finally, loss of enjoyment and pleasure or ability to carry out daily activities. I am a person with several hobbies, but when I’m depressed, I don’t engage in any of them. I also have my own home and have responsibilities to maintain it. Below I’ll show some photos of what my house can look like when I’m in the middle of a depression. Piles of unfolded or unwashed laundry. Dirty dishes for days without being washed. Floors that need sweeping and washing. Bed not being made. These are just a few examples.

Housework

Another thing worth mentioning is how difficult it is to maintain a household while depressed. I am a single mom so all of the household responsibilities fall to me. Here are a few photos from my house after a depressive episode.

It’s really embarrassing to see these photos but I feel that they need to be shared so that people know that they are not alone. If it is so hard to have the energy to take a shower, imagine how difficult housework must be!

Conclusion

But this does not need to be your life!! I’m working on another post that is going to explain further, but give yourself lots of self-love when you are feeling this way. Ask for help if you have people in your life who can help you. There is nothing to be ashamed of, despite the stigma. You can beat the depression. It’s not an easy task by any means, but you can do this!! It has taken me years of work to try and improve my depression. I’m not perfect, and I still have my bad days, but I’m learning how to show myself love when I need it and get through a depressive episode much more easily than I could before. More to come!!

I just finished reading Cancer: A book of Hope by Lise Bourbeau (available on Amazon!) This book came recommended to me by my life plan specialist.

At first, I wondered why she recommended this book to me, as I do not currently have a cancer diagnosis, nor do any of my close family members. But I quickly learned why this was an important book to read.

Bourbeau discusses everyone having an inner light or “God” that they need to bring out. We are made up of physical, mental, and emotional bodies, but they are not always in tune with our inner light (or purpose).

She discusses how mental struggles and related events can manifest themselves as physical illnesses such as cancer. This statement may seem to be placing the blame on patients, but Lise is merely pointing out that we need to give ourselves more self-love and focus on bringing out our inner light in order to heal ourselves physically. Furthermore, she is not saying that anyone purposely brings the diagnosis upon themselves, it is most often done unconsciously, and if we look back, we can often find events that prompt it. She provides case studies of individuals whom she has worked with in the past that lend validity to what she is saying.

Bourbeau describes how we often have an inner wound of “rejection” that needs to be healed before physical ailments can be removed. This was the part of the book that spoke to me the most. There are many ways that this wound of rejection can be activated, and it can start from before we are even born! There are so many different factors at play and she writes another book dedicated to wounds such as rejection. I have added this book to my to-be-read list, so I won’t speak too much to it here.

This book is very much an alternative approach to diseases such as cancer, and it took me some time to appreciate what Bourbeau was saying. I wasn’t sure how I felt about people bringing these illnesses on themselves, however unconscious it may be. Because of my anxious nature, I also saw a lot of myself in the topics that this book was discussing and was feeling a bit fearful about bringing on a diagnosis of my own. But when I finished the book, I realized the importance of focusing on self-love and healing my own wound of rejection so that my physical body stays healthy.

I gave this book 4 out of 5 stars on Goodreads and would recommend it to anyone who is working on self-acceptance and love, or anyone suffering from a debilitating physical illness such as cancer. It was an approach to physical illness that I’ve never experienced before but it really got my mind working.

Buy it on Amazon Here

On July 25^th, 2019, I met with my life purpose specialist and a Reiki master to perform some energy work to help me with my mental health struggles. I had to drive over an hour to get to them and it was costing me money out of pocket, so I was hoping that this was going to be worthwhile. I had never done any type of energy work before so this was all new territory for me. I consider myself to be a spiritual person but I’m not religious. I believe in using essential oils, crystals, and in manifestation from the universe.

I drove up to the building with a feeling of anticipation and some anxiety about what I was about to experience.

When I got to the room, I could hear a few voices, I walked in and was greeted by one familiar face and two new friendly faces. The room looked as I expected it to. There was a bed in the middle, a couple of chairs around the outside of the room, salt lamps rested on counter tops, crystals were carefully placed on cabinets, essential oil bottles were nestled in a rolling cart. All things that I’ve experienced in the offices of other holistic practitioners. Even though I had never been there before, it felt like a familiar environment.

We started the session by having me lay down on the bed and the two practitioners used their respective techniques to examine the energy that was emanating from my body. They agreed that there was some coming from my crown but I had a huge amount of energy coming from the tops of my feet. There was also some stuck energy at my hips. My hands were also clenched (they always curl, it’s most comfortable for me). They practiced different modalities but both agreed on where the energy was surrounding my body. They asked me if I felt their assessment was accurate and I really did think so! My feet are constantly moving, so it makes sense that there is energy there.

The reiki master performed an attunement on me that took about 10 minutes. The purpose of this was to open my chakras and let the energy flow through my body. She had me close my eyes and rest my hands on a pillow so I wouldn’t have the urge to clench them. She worked from behind me and in-front of me. When she tapped my shoulder I had to put my hands in prayer position. As soon as she started working on me I felt a tingling sensation that started in my head and went down my spine. A couple of times it went right down to my feet. Towards the end I also felt a slight swirling of energy in my head as well. By the end I felt open and grounded.

After the treatment, she taught me some level 1 reiki. All of the hand positions that go with the 7 body chakras and how to use them to help myself.

The final thing that we did was talk about the trapped energy in my hip area. I have a history of self-harm and my right thigh is the location of my body that I choose to cut. I have physical scars on my thigh and a lot of negative emotions surrounding it. The practitioners had me place one hand on my thigh and describe how I felt about the area. For me, it was very negative and I associated the colour red with it. I also felt it in my chest, so they had me place my left hand over my heart. I closed my eyes and imagined the negative taking up as much space as it needed. I was told not to try and supress the negative like I normally do, but to allow it to hold space and just accept that it is there. I sat like this for a few minutes and just visualized these emotions taking up space. Then we decided to replace the negative with something positive. I was told to choose what I wanted to fill that negative space with and I chose love – I’m working on accepting myself and eventually loving myself. I imagined love but I couldn’t say out loud that I loved myself or that I was deserving of love, so the practitioners said it for me. They told me several times that I am deserving of love. Then I opened my eyes and didn’t feel quite as much tension in the area. I know that this is a sensitive area for me, so it is not going to go away after one treatment but now I know how to work through it when I’m feeling particularly negative.

Almost a week has now passed since this experience. I have used the reiki techniques that I learned, when I was having a particularly difficult day. I used the reiki chakra hand positions in a meditative fashion. It helped me to relax and allow the energy to flow through my body. I still have a lot to learn and will need much more practice to become proficient but I’m enjoying the process so far. I encourage you all to give this modality a try if you are able!

I thought that I would start this off with a post about me so that you know who you’re hearing from. I’m going to try and keep this part as short as I can and add details through later posts.

I grew up in a small-ish town in Ontario, Canada. I had two loving parents and two younger brothers. My parents weren’t perfect and there was some dysfunction in the family (including mental illness) but they tried. My immediate family was also close with my uncles/aunts, cousins, and grandparents.

I was fortunate enough to take competitive dance lessons and spent the majority of my childhood and teenage years at the dance studio. I took my dancing very seriously. I can remember being in classes where all of the girls were laughing and having a good time while I focused on the steps we were learning and I was annoyed by their behaviour. While I didn’t have a diagnosis at this time, looking back, I can notice the start of symptoms from an early age.

I was bullied in elementary school and hated going to school. I had a few friends during this time but they never lasted.

High school was a miserable time in my life. I was trying to find myself, and through that process I made some bad choices that I still agonize over to this day. I knew for sure that I had anxiety and depression, but that was all that I knew at the time. Looking back, I can see that my symptoms of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder started getting worse during these years. This is also when my paranoid delusions began. When I was 14 I officially started seeing doctors to deal with depression and anorexia. The anorexia didn’t last long – it was just a coping strategy for me. My mom found out what I was doing and got extremely angry with me so I moved to other coping strategies that were less noticeable to her. But the depression persisted.

I started University in 2006. I kept to myself and just worried about my studies. School was difficult with progressing mental illnesses. I ended up having to take time off from school and withdraw from classes because my symptoms worsened significantly and I just couldn’t deal with that along with school. I lost the honours part of my degree because of this so I cannot get my masters in Psychology unless I start a new BA. This is something that I really struggle with.

I got married in 2010. I was pretty happy during this time. I was on only one medication but it seemed to be helping.

In 2012, on our 2 year wedding anniversary I had a miscarriage. This was one of the most horrific things I’ve ever experienced. It put me into a deep depression and I was angry at the world for a long time afterwards.

I got pregnant again in 2013 and gave birth to my beautiful daughter Evelyn in January of 2014. There was some birth trauma that I still think about, but baby was healthy and that was my main concern. I also went back to school just before giving birth and finished my BA in October of 2014.

I was content with my new little family, but the anxiety and depression slowly started creeping back in. I didn’t have a regular psychiatrist at this time, so I went to my GP and got prescribed Cipralex. I had been off of all psychiatric medications while pregnant and breastfeeding. It took months, but it finally did start to help with my anxiety.

When my daughter was 2 years old, I experienced my first real manic episode. It lasted for weeks. I have a hard time admitting it, but in the end, this is what finished my marriage.

Over the following 3 years, I dated a bunch of losers trying to not be alone with myself. I experienced worsening symptoms of all of my illnesses. I got official psychiatrist diagnoses of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I was hospitalized 3 times in 18 months. And I had constant changes made to my multiple psychiatric medications.

This brings us to today. I just got out of a 10 day inpatient hospital stay. I’m on several psychiatric medications. I have poor coping strategies that include self-harm. But the most important thing here is that I am trying to get better. I’m not letting these diagnoses get me down. I am working with a team that consists of doctors, a naturopathic doctor, psychiatrists, a life plan specialist, a peer mentor, outpatient groups at local hospitals, and I’m reading as much as I can to try and dig my way out of this hole.

Why am I sharing all of this with you? This is my purpose. My life design states that I am on this earth to experience trauma because I am strong and I can get through it, and then help others to do the same. I’m not all of the way there yet myself, but my ultimate goal is to help people. If I can help one person, my purpose will be fulfilled. How exactly I am going to help people is still to be determined, but I’m hoping that writing is a start.